SAMIRA: her story is different from all the other stories …

I am trans an I am 32 years young . I am a woman trapped in a man’s body

A woman who suffered and knew a lot of pain since she was 4. I lived in a household with three siblings; two sisters and one brother . I was so close to my sisters more than I was with my brother. Even in the way I looked I always preferred to look like my sisters ; long hair, girls clothes and played with dolls. I didn’t know anything about the world I just felt deep inside that I was a girl.

Pain was the friend I never chose since a young age he was always with me. I couldn’t distinguish right from wrong and what is allowed from what is not. When I was 4 years old I had an older cousin who used to take me outside with him and buys me chocolate. As I remember he used to ask me if I want dolls and of course I always wanted to get dolls especially the big ones so I can brush their hair and dress them up  thinking that will grow up and become like them . but he hidden the doll in his room and he told me that if I want to play with it I should go to his room. I was so happy to find someone who understands me and sees the girl inside.

At that stage of my life I didn’t even now what sex means and I didn’t know that boys and girls have different genitals. My thoughts and desires were all feminine.

One day he called me and took me to his room and locked the door, he told me to play with the doll while he put me on his lap. He was doing things I didn’t understand and when he finish doing his things he tells me to leave and come back the day after. He kept doing that until I grew up a bit and started to understand what was going on . he tried to continue that but everytime he calls me I ran away and I told him that this is forbidden and not right. One day my family went out and I was playing under a tree in front of our house when he came to me and told me that he will never do what he used to do again and that he just wanted to give me back the doll and promised to buy me everything I want. I was so happy and I trusted him again and I went home with him.he was living just nextdoor to our house. Unfortunately he was lying and he raped me and it was so physically painful. I admitted that he manipulated me and took advantage of me when I was young. He claimed that he knew that I am a girl inside but he threatened me if I ever say anything to anyone that will beat me and tell my family that I am lying and no one would believe me. I went out with heavy steps with a lot of pain inside. What am I going to say ? what am i going to do ? and who would care ?

Since that day I trained myself to keep everything inside and not tell anyone about anythi ng  and I lived my childhood in total isolation with no friends not wanting any ..

I grew up and I was in high school where I suffered even more because I was so effeminate and I couldn’t fit in. I was emotionally exhausted and I became the joke of teachers and students . they called me names such as : faggot, tranny,sissy … I was bullied a lot and insulted even more

I cried silently I was in pain but I never showed my weakness.

One day I met someone and we became friends. That friend of mine was the person who acknowledged me about my situation and told me that it is called transgender . he also told me that everything is related to the brain and not the body and that  he is a trans person too ( a boy in a girl’s body). I was happy because I finally felt belonged and that there is someone like me and I am not alone in this world. In that moment we asked ourselves what should we do ? and are we going to live in dark ? and since that time I started to search for anything that could help me. But in Tunisia sadly we don’t have any treatments or hormone therapies or even doctors who understand our situation.and if there is a doctor they always tell us that they cannot help. I remember one day one doctor told me that I am schizophrenic .

My family took me to a swindler and he told them that I am possessed. I  made sure to do what I wanted to until I recently met Ahmed who told me about the group of OUTCASTS. He also told me that I am not alone and encouraged me to  fight for our right and raise our voices .