AHMED

Ahmed is 36 years old and identifies as a trans man

I lived all my childhood in the country side and when I say country side I mean closed minded people myself included

I never chose or decided to be this way I was just born like this, I was born different and since I was young  I noticed that my body is different from the way I felt and behaved , my body didn’t match neither my sexual orientation nor my desires and that’s when my suffering journey started . Day by day things got harder. When I became older I was insecure about facing a  racist arrogant society and family about my truth

I remember when I was 6 or even younger that the only friends I had were boys and I may say that I liked it I always wanted to behave like them and play with boy_ish toys, to me it felt so natural  . the idea that my body and theirs are biologically different never crossed my mind . I mean I was young and I didn’t understand or had the information about these topics until I grew up and knew that I was imprisoned in a girl’s body.

I never forget how I was beaten everyday during school because my family refuses the idea that  I am playing with boys and they think that I only should with girls and that what I was doing back then is forbidden by religion and society norms. I started to question my identity , why I am like this ? why I only think of what is masculine ? why these clothes ? why I behave this way ? why I say these words why do I express myself like the other boys ?? this is pure torture . all these feelings lead me to the decision that I should distance myself from everyone and give up in life . I tried to suicide so many times and it never happened . its like something keeps bringing me back to life but this never saved me from living in a miserable psychological state of mind

I dont think I would ever be able to forget that sadness and pressure. I used to make excuses to escape classes and all the strange looks and questions other students would ask me such as are you a boy or a girl ? why are you dressing up this way ?? why do your clothes are masculine ? I couldn’t forget how teachers would make fun of me,teasing me and calling me names …

This was not the end of my pain because at some point I believed that pain was my only faith especially when I met that girl that was my first time experiencing love but people started to notice our relation . my friends’ families knew about the story it was a scandal and I was the slut and life unworthy person whose pointed at everywhere I go. People never understood my desires or orientation they only saw the bad side and only understood what they wanted to understand .

I did a lot of research I was hopeless I had no idea about what I should do . there were only one solution and that solution was to wait until I grow up enough and be able to travel abroad and do my surgeries . that’s the solution that would make feel confident in my own skin and live the life I want for myself .

I never believed the narratives that we are freaks and perverts because simply I never chose that,my body and gender identity do not match,  I was born this way and that’s as simple as that .

Eventually  as a trans man as I know myself I needed to do my surgery so I visited a lot of doctors and  some of them strongly disagreed with my decision and said that it is against the laws and forbidden by religion . one of them dared to tell me that I am girl and my organs are 100 % feminine and will never be replaced.he kicked me out without even listening to my concerns. I didn’t lose to hope and I decided to travel to the capital city with my mom and live there. I was excited because in the back of my head I thought that city and country lives are totally different and I will for sure find someone who understands my situation. Sadly it wasn’t like I expected I was rejected here too and been told that what I am doing is forbidden and considered as a sin as long as I am changing god’s will and creation . I’ve been told that we are perverts and should be killed because according to religion  and society people we are cursed.

I decided to save money and travel to another country where I can do my surgeries and live the way I always wanted to.  After a long time of looking for a job finally someone accepted to hire me in a farm in the country side again but I was satisfied with that job because no one would hire someone who claims that their body does not match their gender identity or the way the feel inside.

I accepted the circumstances that were given to me and worked really hard in all the tiring and unhuamn conditions

I was  mentally and physically exhausted because the work was really hard and I was in such a fragile situation. I wasn’t strong enough.

I did reconstruction work, cleaning and everything related to the farm work .

I did save a small amount of money that helped me to travel to another Arabic country in which I heard they accept people like me. Back there I met a lot of people who are trans and I did all the tests that I was asked to do. Finally doctors believed that I am trans and approved my sexual reassignment surgery . I was extremely happy because I knew and I understood who I really am.it was the time to set my body free.i came back to Tunisia a brand new person, a person who seeks to live happily in the body that he always wanted. The first person who I was strong enough to tell them about my story was my mom. My dear beloved mom was among the few people who believed in me and stood by my side after I almost lost all my relatives.

When my step father knew about my story he didn’t accept it and he even started to harass me oh wait I may say he tried to rape me and when I rejected him he told me that I am not a clean girl (slut and unworthy) .he literally said to me : you like girls you want to have sex with them and wear boys clothes ?

He ended up disowning me and kicking me out of the house so I lived for days in the streets under bridges and in the cold weather. I was deprived from seeing my mom and from her tender. At that time I had no choice but to go back to the farmer and asked him to work and live there and he accepted my offer

Back in the farm I built a little tent with woods and put herbs in it as a bed and slept  there  for months . even though it was in a miserable situation that liitle tent represented home to me it kept all my secrets,my pain and my big dreams.

I met some trans people online and we became good friends therefore we decided to meet in real life.we were so happy for meeting each other, we used to think that everyone of us is the only trans in the world because we had no means or devices to know more about our cases.

We promised each other to be forever friends and that we will help each other and raise our voices and be vocal about our reason. Unfortunately till this day doctors still do not approve us as normal human beings, the laws do not protect us and of course religion denies us . we still live in the dark . we are living shadows and our biggest fear is the society and  laws which are  supposed to protect us in the first place .

I do really hope that  OUTCASTS group would be an opportunity for people to know more about themselves and to be a real support for the trans community  for now and the next generations because what we have been through is a lot of pain suffering ignorance and arrogance.

We want this group to be a home to for all the trans community so they would not suffer like we did .